Puppet
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Remus Lupin reflects on the very abusive relationship he has with Severus Snape. Slash SS/RL


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, their world or the song. The characters belong to JKR and the song belongs Our Lady Peace.  
Summary: A different take on a potentially abusive relationship.  
  
  
Puppet  
  
Sometimes I think that he hates me. He loathes me with a passion that I've never seen in someone's eyes before, but strangely enough, it doesn't bother me. It's that cool indifference that he likes to call the 'Remus Lupin trademark', even when he finds someway to rile me. I don't think he realizes exactly what he does to me, he doesn't realize that I fell in love with his ridiculous holier-than-thou aura. He always pretends to be someone he's not, even while we're alone in his bed chambers. It's just the two of us and he still can't show me who he really is. I don't know how much longer I can pretend that it doesn't bother me.   
  
I can deal with the flashing anger and pain behind his black eyes, I know what he's gone through for the past twenty years. He must feel so betrayed by the world some days and others he must feel as if he deserves to rot in hell. He has so much hurt inside of him and that's where the frosty exterior stems from. I just never thought he'd refuse to let me in. I thought that even a broken down Potions Master has to find it in his heart to love someone. I guess I was wrong and I can't deal with that. I can't deal with being shut out my entire adult life because I'm in love with a man who can't return my feelings.  
  
I'm nothing more than a toy to him, a puppet he can use to toss around and test out his new fear inducing tactics. At first I thought it was amusing, I liked being the wall that he used as support, the one person in the world who heard the scathing comments before they were delivered onto innocent students. But that was before they became cruel and personal. It was before he began to rip into my self esteem in order to build up his own, to make himself not as frightened of the world.  
  
  
~I crawled out from the pain yesterday  
I crawled to you and   
I said all the things that you said to say  
Have I said enough  
Do you like it~  
  
  
He wants to change me, he says, make me better than I am. I used to believe him, but I don't anymore. He shouldn't have to change me, I should be enough just the way I am. Yet sometimes I can't help but feel like I should make adjustments and allowances for him, even when his bitter words cut through me like nothing ever has before. I'm not self assured enough to be with him, but I know I'm not strong enough to be without him. It's a disgusting and frustrating cycle that I don't think I can break. He hurts me, but I love him.  
  
Does it give him strength to watch me fumble for my broken heart? Does he feel closer to the world by making me feel further away from it? I know I'm a monster, I don't need him to tell me. I know I don't belong, but at least I try, which is more than I can say for him. He plays with me, he taunts me, pink tongue running over pale lips, his black eyes glittering maliciously. He loves to play games with my mind, making me think about him all day until we're finally alone together and I think he'll finally tell me he loves me. The words have never passed over his lips, although I've told him my feelings many times. He just toys with my feelings, that's all I'll ever be, just another game to him.   
  
It hurts, but I don't want to admit it. The trademark polite indifference, that's how I'm known and I need to keep that. It's the only defence I have and perhaps it's the only reason that I can still listen to his silken voice drag across poisonous words. I wonder if he knows how much it hurts my heart to hear him berate me. He was once the only person I thought could save me from myself and now I see that it's the other way around. I was the only one who could save him from his darkest self.  
  
He revels in pain and it disgusts me on some level. He likes to watch other people shrink in fear or cower from his steely voice and I am one of those lucky few that get to experience it first hand. His is just a general anger that he directs at the students but there are those of us who are so blessed that our names occasionally pop up in his derogatory speeches about how useless the world is today. I, of course, am often at the top of the list. Where else would one find a werewolf - a disgusting, mangy werewolf - teaching children?   
  
  
~I know how you love these dirty games  
But they're killing me  
I know how you love to watch me beg  
So here I am  
Do you like it~  
  
  
He's lost so much and he tries so hard to make others feel as if they've lost just as much. Why then, do I still love him? Why can't I just end it and walk away? Maybe I'm as much of a masochist as he is if I enjoy his company, regardless of his the things he does.   
  
Instead, I sit here in his chambers like I have every night for the past eight months. I watch him carefully, as always, waiting for the moment when it will begin. He's beautiful in the firelight and I hate myself for thinking that. I was so determined when I came in here that the relationship was over and now . . . now the only thing I can think about is running my hands down his sides and pushing off his robes. The only thing on my mind is kissing him, running my tongue over his lips and biting down, making him hurt the way he hurts me.   
  
He paces, pausing occasionally to glance in my direction and study me with dark eyes. The fire reflects in them, glinting orange in his irises and giving them a distinctly hateful look. He has that look on his face and I know what's coming. I prepare myself for the onslaught of his spiteful words.  
  
"Remus," he breathes, taking a step toward me. "They'll all find out eventually."  
  
"I know, Severus." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I don't want to speak, I want to remain silent and let him dig himself into a hole.   
  
He smiles, a cruel grin turning up the corners of his mouth. "I keep it a secret for you."  
  
I simply nod.  
  
"I am not even sure why I do it," he says, taking another step toward me. "I certainly don't do it because I love you." He sneers. "I don't even like you."  
  
I close my eyes against the words. I hate that they still hurt, that they cut through me and leave me stinging and vulnerable.   
  
"You're nothing but a beast. You don't deserve to sit in a chair."  
  
I slide to the floor, I know what's expected of me. I'm a monster, I'm disgusting, I'm not human, I deserve to be used and tossed aside and Severus does it so very well. I don't want it, but I don't know any other way.   
  
  
~I don't want to be a puppet for you  
I don't want to bite the hand that's feeding  
I don't want to be a sucker for you, yes you~  
  
  
"Come here," he hisses, crooking a finger at me.   
  
  
I obey, crawling on my hands and knees across the hard wooden floor. Tears pool in my eyes as I move, my pride being torn into pieces. I hate him, no, I love him and I hate myself for it. I'm worth more than this, I could be so much more than what he allows me to be.   
  
I reach him and stop, staring at the wood floor, at the edge of the black and green throw rug near my right hand. I wish I could stop the tears, but they come freely, condemning him and myself to this vicious cycle night after night. I am weak and without him I am nothing.  
  
"Remus," he says.  
  
My eyes slowly run up his body to his face. "Yes?"  
  
"Undress me."  
  
I close my eyes. "Please, Severus, not tonight."  
  
"Remus," he says, much more sharply this time and I know there's no use arguing.   
  
I stand and I begin to undress him, my hands shaking as I unhook the clasp on his robe and let is slide silently to the floor. Only moments ago I wanted this opportunity to make him pay, but I don't have it in me. I wouldn't know where to begin to make this man pay.  
  
  
~I hate myself for begging  
I hate myself for staying  
I hate myself for listening to you~  
  
  
His clothing falls off piece by piece, black fabric fluttering to rest on the rug beneath our feet and I reveal the body that I fell in love with. Smooth, pale skin over lean muscles, long limbs and torso, a dusting of dark hair across his chest. My mind rages, fighting against the part of me that loves this game, the sick part of me that wants it to continue forever. It shouldn't be like this; love shouldn't be like this. It's not right, both of us know it, but I'm the only one in this room who is in love. Perhaps I'm the only one who even believes in love.  
  
He steps out of his boots, then his trousers as I push them down his hips and finally he stands before me, completely naked and I felt my throat tighten. I still love him, after everything he's said to me, everything he's made me do. I still want him and even though I want to make him hurt I want him to feel pleasure like I rarely do. I want to forget myself and commit my mind and body to him, to his wants and needs, but he would be all too willing to let me forget that Remus Lupin even exists.  
  
I'll never escape this, I have to accept it. He'll be a part of me for as long as I draw breath, my saving grace under the light of the full moon. He's my world even though I am only an annoyance in his. He's right when he tells me that I am a monster and that no one else could ever love me. Severus knows much more of the world than I do, he's seen everything and he must know what's best for me.   
  
His hands go to my chest and begin to remove my clothing, my robes and then the shirt beneath. I kick off my boots at his demand and he pushed my black pants over my hips without pausing to undo the belt. I cringe, but take the punishment as the material scratches over my skin, straining over bone until it slides down to my feet. I submit myself to him, as I always have and always will.   
  
I close my eyes once more as he pushes me downward and I accept my fate; my place in life will always be here.  
  
  
~It's too little too late, I can't escape  
So I'm begging you, please  
I changed all the things that you told me to change  
I'm on my knees  
Do you like it?~  
  
  
When I wake up with Severus' arm thrown across my chest, it will all be worth it. When I am allowed to spend a few moments relishing in his warm body, I will realize what I am doing everything for. He is my all and I am stuck here forever. To escape would be to start over again and I'm far too frightened to make my own place in the world. What would happen to me on my own? I wouldn't know what to do, not after this year, not after being cut down by the man I love.   
  
Perhaps one day I will be strong enough to move on, but that day is not today. I thought I could push past him, but I don't have the will to push away. He's my anchor, weighing me down to this place, to this school that I wanted to escape after graduation. Maybe one day Severus will let me go and I'll be on my own. Maybe one day I'll realize that I don't love him and that I can't go on being his puppet.  
  
  
~I just wanna get out  
Stuck inside of this  
Waiting for something else  
Waiting to exist~  
  
  
Maybe one day.  
  
But not today.  
  
  
End  
  
Notes: Okkkaaaaay ... that was VERY different for me. I'm not sure I'm happy with it. I like certain parts of it (the ending for one) but others I'm not too sure about. I think it's extremely out of character for both of them, as Snape is really mean and emotionally abusive and Remus is very, very weak in this fic. Please let me a review and let me know what you think about certain aspects. If you think it sucks, tell me why! 


End file.
